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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...