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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well