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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.