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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
I fake my LOLs
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.