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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.