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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.