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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.