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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.