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Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
lifes a laugh, start living it!
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...