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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.