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Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I need a new bad decision.