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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"