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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.