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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?