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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.