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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.