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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.