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If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.