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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.