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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!