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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Gym Update: Not there.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.