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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Iām just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.