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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
No, Iām not funny. Iām just really mean and everyone thinks Iām joking.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.