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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.