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Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Hold boobs not grudges.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.