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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.