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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
It takes balls to be a man.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.