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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when Iām making a questionable decision for my life.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!