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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..