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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.