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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Gym update: not there
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly