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So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!