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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.