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Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents