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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.