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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.