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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps