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My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.