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The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.