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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.