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I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Mondays should start at noon.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
A man is as faithful as his options
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.