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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.