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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I just called. To say. I texted you.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?