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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.