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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.