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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.