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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.