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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%