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According to my nipples, summer is over
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
bras are booby-traps
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.