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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Mondays should start at noon.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.