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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.