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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.