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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.