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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.