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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out