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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”