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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".