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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.