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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "