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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!