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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.