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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.