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I don`t care about your status...
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
and alcohol are now friends.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.